“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
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[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
🤣😈🤣
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing