I missed you with all my darts
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I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know