@WomensHumor: I missed your birthday because I didn't log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
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@hotsoccerchic69: my mom walked in when I was printing out a naked picture of a woman in 5th grade& we sat there in silence listening to the loud, 90s printer
@dafloydsta: WIFE: He won't stop pretending he's Larry King. THERAPIST: Is that true? ME: *turns to camera* We'll hear more of Karen's lies. Up next.
@HouseWithDoors: *playing poker* *my opponent smirks* "All in." he says. *pair of aces* *I smile* *throws down a pair of Olsen twins* "Full House."