I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
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EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.