Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
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furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
I love wikipedia
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms