@bourgeoisalien: I misspelled "marriage" and Auto Correct changed it to "mirage." What do you know that I don't, Auto Correct?
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@jakob_huber: Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
@Mr_Kapowski: Wife: *from inside the closet* “Should I wear my mink coat?” Me: *adjusting cuff links and cummerbund in the mirror* “Jesus Christ, honey. We’re going to Target, not Walmart. Of course wear the mink”
@WilliamRodgers: Me: I only smoke weed because of Cancer. Mom: You don't have Cancer! Me: So it's working...