I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
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I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
Ken is short for chicken
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.