@MasterSociopath: I mistook the Facebook status box for Google search, and now I don't have to go to family functions any more.
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@goodhairperson: *watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
@JesKeepSwimming: Him: "I feel-" Me: "I FEEL IT TOO. IT'S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU'RE MY LOBSTER." Him: "-gassy."
@matthandlersux: a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
@LoveNLunchmeat: My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I'm always seeing double. It's a nightmare! Optometrist: Ma'am you have identical twins...