@MasterSociopath: I mistook the Facebook status box for Google search, and now I don't have to go to family functions any more.
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@KeetPotato: [dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head] 1st time: "aww cuuuute" 2nd time: "ha okay" 3rd time: "i am trapped in a nightmare"
@LoneWolfStories: Her: Let's go shopping. Me: In your dreams. Her: The boutique has Wi-Fi. Me: Why are we still here?
@TravLeBlanc: I'm working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
@JediGigi: Him:You married? Me:Aww You think I'm that pretty? H:Ma'am just filling out your pape- M:SO I'M UGLY? H:I'll tell the therapist to hurry