@MasterSociopath: I mistook the Facebook status box for Google search, and now I don't have to go to family functions any more.
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@Donna_McCoy: Just go ahead and put "She always had to pee" on my tombstone, because that's how everyone's going to remember me.
@DiscoFruit: [dies and goes to hell] me: "mom? dad!? what are you doing here!" dad: "we used to switch your food with the dog's food sometimes."
@ObscureGent: My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
@DaddyJew: I'm at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think 'bingo