@MasterSociopath: I mistook the Facebook status box for Google search, and now I don't have to go to family functions any more.
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@WilliamRodgers: "Your mission... Should you chose to accept it..." *Go to a bar you Hate *Put $50 in the Jukebox *Play nothing but Nickelback *Leave
@Playing_Dad: Me: Not to be racist but you look like you're sick Her: How was that racist? Me: I said "not to be racist" you must be sicker than I thought
@sweet_toof: Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
@Cheeseboy22: When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, "DON'T YOU DIE ON ME!" People always clap when she wakes up.