I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
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Me, after a minor inconvenience:
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
This raises questions
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope