I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
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My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
My purse is deeper than some people.
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order