@iTomFoolery: I mixed coffee with Red Bull, now I can see the invisible things my kitten pounces on.
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@Reverend_Scott: [kisses daughter goodnight] Sleep tight. "Daddy, where do babies come from?" Um, the Stork. [stork knocks on bedroom window] He's lying.
@arandomhim: *walks into the hottest restaurant w/out a reservation* We're fully booked "Ahem, I'm Yelp reviewer TURDBONER69" Sorry sir right this way
@CoopSoSarc: Walking out the door, my daughter tells me she can't wait to see Ariel with the crabs. Now I'm questioning which section I bought that DVD.
@tacos_y_cerveza: If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth the $20