@iTomFoolery: I mixed coffee with Red Bull, now I can see the invisible things my kitten pounces on.
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@sara_ashlynn: My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She's in the shower & I'm wondering when she realizes it's Sunday. This is beautiful.
@Reverend_Scott: [first date] Her: I like guys that are spontaneous. Waiter: Soup or salad, sir? Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
@AlmightyBored: During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.