I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
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Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…