If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
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my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
Just me and my debit card against the world
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
There’s no “u” in narcissist
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”