That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
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“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
Smile Twitter, Smile.
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
This was my dad’s browser history.
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.