I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
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[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
PLEASE READ
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle