I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
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My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
Well, my evening plans are ruined
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
Do not go gentle into that good night,
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.