I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
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me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting