I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
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If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.