Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
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[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*