My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
You Might Also Like
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
What about a To-Don’t List?
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving