date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
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If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
grotesque if literal: baby food
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it