me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
You Might Also Like
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
IT’S-A ME,
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”