I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
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Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
need him
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt