I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
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It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?