Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
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The struggle is real.
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*