I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
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Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN