I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
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My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.