I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
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Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
guilty
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.