@NintenDom: I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it's never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
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@weismanjake: One of the toughest parts of adulthood is figuring out how to stay friends with people who post too many selfies
@OreoSpeedwagon_: Note to self: hairspray does not kill spiders; it merely increases their strength and makes them look flawless all day.
@Owl_Meat: [In a cucumber submarine] 1st mate: *inspecting leak* we're taking on saltwater captain Cptn: hm yes looks like we're in quite the pickle