@NintenDom: I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it's never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
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@beefman138: I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine. 299 of them are Nestlé.
@Fred_Delicious: [2 dogs eating dinner] "u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great" [stops chewing] "why does this taste like chocolate"
@ThatsSarcasm: *Picking up my kid from school in 20 years* Me: Yo shawty leggo. Kid: Please no. Me: Stop hating YOLO. Kid: You're embarrassing. Me: Swag.
@shamans_heal: The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It's like he doesn't realize I'm married.