Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
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This is not me but this is me
I don’t think my car can fly
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
He is just living hist best little life 😊
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG