Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
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My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft