Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
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I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
My love language is hissing.
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.