Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
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*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot