I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
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Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
Why does laundry happen to good people?
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate