@krisv_723: I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
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@EvilSchwartzie: The police get mad at you if you try to marry a squirrel. Even if you're pretty sure it's a girl squirrel.
@JessicaVarsity: I've watched three episodes of "I Shouldn't Be Alive" tonight, adding "outdoor enthusiast and survival expert" to my online dating profile.
@NurseMurderer: Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it. Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
@tarashoe: when i'm stressed i close my eyes and imagine i'm on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach