@krisv_723: I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
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@OhNoSheTwitnt: Coworker: I never would've guessed you're in your 30's. You look so young. Me: I'm old at heart.
@realHamOnWry: The harder you slam the door walking out on an argument ...the more likely you have to go back inside for your car keys.
@robotrowboat: Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I'd love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
@therealeatwood: GURU: You have achieved the state of sakṛdāgāmin: you will reach nirvāṇa within seven lifetimes ME: [slipping him a $20] How about six