I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
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Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
This meeting could have been a cake
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard