It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
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Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
selena gomez
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham