@itsrealTED: "I need a boyfriend" No, you WANT a boyfriend. You NEED water, cause you sound thirsty.
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@AnkCoupleTO: [police lineup] Cop: Do you see the guy who ate your plants? Me: Nope Cop: *waving leaf* Wildebeest step forward? WB: *drooling* Goddamnit
@thepunningman: [landlord showing new tenant around] "No smoking allowed" "How about pets?" "That's fine" [dog walks in and lights up] "We'll take it"
@_Kim_Jongun: For the last time, I don't have any secret prison camps. Anyone who doesn't believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.