Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
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me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
The honesty is refreshing
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.