I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
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My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!