I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
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Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod