“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
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I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…