“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
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You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’