*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
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HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
get you a girl who
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom