I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
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[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
Left at a local drug store…
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to