As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
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You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.