I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
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Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter