I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
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Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them