I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
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signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
Love thy neighbor’s dog
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
My circle of trust is a meatball
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
3% human
97% stress
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.