@dreamthievin: I need a guy who's cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
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@robotmouthfarts: EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this? Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
@joejwest: [deathbed] ME: Give me that sword & I'll haunt it when I die SON: I made this [hands me cake] ME: No! [dies] CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
@AndyRichter: Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone