I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
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Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
jesus, what did this guy do
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly