Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
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Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
dude it’s called proctologist
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake: