BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
You Might Also Like
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!