@markhoppus: I need a keyboard shortcut for "sorry it's taken me so long to reply to your email..."
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@thegynomite: Every selfie you post should come stamped with a number like a limited edition print. "Attempt 7 of 25".
@Playing_Dad: My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She's now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don't negotiate with terrorists.
@Donna_McCoy: No thanks Black Friday crowds. I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.