there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
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Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!