@markhoppus: I need a keyboard shortcut for "sorry it's taken me so long to reply to your email..."
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@WheelTod: This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don't believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
@mynameisntdave: ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee! AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he's back and he brought a horse with him this time
@capricecrane: Accidentally walked into the men's room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn't be awkward for anyone.