Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
You Might Also Like
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her