@koalaslament: I need a new job. One where I'm always running out the door with my arms flailing and holding a jar screaming "I GOTTA GET THIS TO THE LAB!"
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@bridger_w: This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
@ojedge: [packing for holiday] WIFE: U don't have to only put suits in a suitcase ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don't make the rules Karen
@stevevsninjas: Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
@Manda_like_wine: Whenever you're having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.