I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
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Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
⚪️🟧🟢⚪️🟡
🟢⚪️⚪️🟡⚪️
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️🟢
🟧⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
⚪️🟢🟡⚪️🟧
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️⚪️
⚪️🟧⚪️🟡🟢
🟢⚪️🟡🟧⚪️
🟡⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”